Floating, Lost

The rest of you can leave, but be mind that you are either clear passed or failed.”

Those were the first words Dr. T spoke after a thirty minutes long of waiting.

Right after finishing our three short cases, 8 of us were isolated. Our clinical marks in total will be calculated, if it doesn’t reach 15% of passing marks ; we will be called to have the fourth short case.

I was among the 7 who were not called.

It’s a relief. No doubt. I am grateful. At least – I passed the clinical parts.

We left with a mind full of questions. I kept calculating if I passed, how many marks of theory marks I need, all the calculations ran briefly in my head. I’m good at maths by the way.

Something was lifted from my back, but it felt heavy still. As though there’s a huge pincer fingers grasping me from moving, not letting me leave. I feel like I’m floating.

The thirty minutes atmosphere was in complete mixture of tight and relief. Result would be finalised two days later, go through the senate, only then to display on our computer screen in two weeks later.

I’m still waiting.. Anxiously.

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Sore throat!

I’ve been having sore throat for the past 2 days, with body a little warm and muscle ache. This morning I examined my oral cavity and notices whitish spots on my tonsils bilaterally. Painful to swallow, otherwise I have no fever.

Ahh! I thought it was an ulcer. Please go away quick. Been gargling warm salt water frequently now. I feel that it’s viral, so let’s see for few days.

Professional Exam 3 in 15 days. Freaking out. 😦

Story-telling : Surah Yusuf

‘I was reading Surah Yusuf today and Allah reminded me again why some things aren’t happening by my timeline. See, Yusuf AS interprets other prisoner’s dreams and they are let out and they forget to tell the Azeez that there’s still a prisoner in the jail.

It’s not until the ruler is in need of a dream interpretation that Yusuf AS is back on the radar and remembered. Allah alone knows how many days Yusuf spent in the prison. The prison he was put in for no true crime.

Had he been let out earlier, perhaps he would’ve travelled and went off to another job in another land. Maybe he wouldn’t have been around to interpret the ruler’s dream, and then to get the position of being in charge of crops and essentially saving so many people from hunger during the years of drought. And of course reuniting with his family and particularly his dad.

Only Allah knows the wisdom behind Yusuf AS staying in that prison for so long. Alone.

And only Allah knows why you’re in the state you are for so long. Perhaps alone too. Why your wishes of freedom from the shackles of school or work or even your own family, isn’t being readily handed to you. Why you’re not getting into grad school yet or getting a better job yet or getting married yet.

And perhaps this delay in the answering of your Duas, this delay in your plan of your life is better for you than you getting what you want, when you want it.

Maybe this is Allah’s guardianship over you. So, metaphorically, the earth can bow to you, the way the sun, moon and eleven stars bowed to Yusuf AS.

So I don’t know why I have been in this state so long. But I will trust You to get me out of it when the time is right. I will trust in Your plan being the best.’

– Drops of knowledge

Lesson from Patients

Thank you for the past 3 years, white coat.

You learn the most from the patients.”

Overly used, yet there’s no other phrase as accurate as that.

I’ve just completed the final BST session. Honestly it wasn’t fruitful. I’m sure we’ve all had one of those clueless days, and somehow it turned out today – to make it worse, with the strictest Dr (read : highest failure rate // please this is just an internal jokes among us, Dr are fair I need to clarify).

As I scrolled my VSCOCAM gallery I’ve been backed up every time I got a new phone, I came across one of the first photo I took at the hospital. It was during my first rotation. I had a different smile, my eyes expressed the inside of me differently.

I looked like almost a different person.

Makes me realised how much our surroundings would affect us.

You could choose to be happy, but whether it’s genuine or not is another thing.

You could choose to be genuine, but no one knows if you could be happy or not.

What’s for sure, the quality determines how the solidity and longevity of any, let say – a relationship.

Just like clerking a patient. If we choose to see him or her as a diseased human – yes that’s what we’re gonna get. A rapid intense revision about the disease, treatment, prognosis. We totally ignore the fact that he’s a person with his life, has children, pets, parents, travel, groceries etc.

I can’t agree more when people say we learn the most from out patients.

But to learn as though patient is a non-living textbook, hell no.

Enough is enough. At first, I could keep my eyes blinded. I wouldn’t mind, I just kept quiet when I see these scenes. Because I want to learn and there are people who could use the textbook named A effortlessly. Describing this and that. Yes I learnt a lot.

But my heart wasn’t at peace. For the sake of learning, I convinced myself to be patience. Sometimes I had to come back to the patient once we’re all done, put my extra effort to be extra kind to patient after all the revision with students. To spend time talking to them like I would whenever I visit my parents’ friends who were admitted. Otherwise the thought of it just occupied my mind.

Until one day I got to reflect on myself. How painful it is to be the diseased one, people surrounding us know how it is, how to help, yet could do nothing. Just looked, once there’s no benefits, leave. Just like all these patients.

Nonetheless, alhamdulillah I’m grateful for this precious opportunity to practice my dependency to God – tawakkal.

Living Life

Life is hard.

It’s always been hard and will always be hard.

It’s supposed to be hard.

It’s supposed to be painful.

It’s supposed to be exhausting.

It’s supposed to push us down, literally and figuratively.

It’s supposed to break our hearts.

It’s supposed to disappoint and dishearten.

It’s supposed to lose its flavor and turn completely stale.

If it didn’t, why would you want to ever leave?

If it didn’t, why would your soul long for somewhere better?

If it didn’t, where would you take the pieces of your broken heart to get mended?

No matter your circumstance, stop, look around, and accept the fact that…

Everyone is suffering—not just you.

Everyone’s pain is important—not just yours.

Everyone deserves healing—not you first.

And remember, there is only One Healer, and His remedies do not reach those who turn from Him, drowning in the tepid and putrid waters of ingratitude, despair, misery, anger, and resentment.

If you spend your day and night filled with contempt for the world and every one and thing in it, then your suffering will never end and the only one you can blame is yourself.

Lower your expectations to match the lowly world you’re in, and elevate your hope to match the lofty world you’re destined for.

(Hosai Mojaddidi)